Aunt Millie's Pineapple



Ah Yes, I hate doughnut monsters because they want to capture me and chew on my ankles and cover them with chocolate.  They have no teeth and like to chew on people and domestic animals. 


Also, did you smile at you prunes or did you sing to me about Mary, the gardener, and the lovely Hensnay plant she planted in your backyard garden.  It surprises me that you said "surprise, surprise!"  Welp, we sure got those Hensnay plants in the garden. 


I wonder if Aunt Millie will be happy to see all of them growing up on their trestles while the neighbors' cat uses it as a scratching post.  Then he demands any food he can get, whether it's off your plate or not!  "Rao rao rao rao ooh uuuuuuuuu", said the neighbors' cat.  Little whiskey kitty never had a drink in his life except for water, his mother's milk and occasional half and half.  He was named "whiskey kitty" because of his whiskers, not because he liked to tipple, but he did tip toe in his own kitty cat way.


He was running up and down the wood floor hallway and he wasn't trying to hide.  It sounded like a wood floor drum.  It made Aunt Millie hum.  Whiskey Kitty was smarter than he looked.


He was not dumb.  Meanwhile, a squirrel with his arm and legs spread out in the shape of an X slammed right into Aunt Millie's living room window.  Stunned, he fell backwards, came to his senses and ran away, making squirrel noises.  Then, he ran up a tree and stared at her window.


It is suggested that one pushes the broomstick through their doughnut holes.  However, wash and dry the broomstick before doing this.  The flavors of the doughnuts are a matter of preference.


Then, is it suggested that one find a group of people and shout, "You are all the anointed ones!  I have not seen any banshees,  Thank you very much!" 


Also, bring a liquid to drink to wash down the doughnuts that you you will eat as much as possible after shouting the previous suggestion.  The liquid of choice is up to the person who chooses to perform this behavior. 


One should be careful who you perform these actions in front of.  It is also suggested that one not eat a lot of doughnuts daily and that one eats a wide variety of foods, unless told otherwise by one's physician or registered dietician.


Dackawahn, you are an explorer of external and internal vibrations while bathing in a bath tub of warm coffee while eating cherries!  Unless you are allergic to cherries or you dislike cherries, meow.


Thank you for everything you have done and I admire your freedom to eat raw celery which I believe is something special at the same time dogs chase their tails in your front yard!  This is very exciting!  I enjoy using exclamation marks!  Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!  This is fun! Oh yeah!


Oblong raccoons enjoy washing dishes in the streams and they like to run through fields, chattering about nothing in particular, especially on Tuesdays. 


Bob bless Aunt Erica while Etruscan musicians play their instruments out in a grassy field with clothes blowing in the wind on a clothes line.  Bob knows that my great great great great great grandmother was married to the wind with a feverish pitch.  Who was this Bob?  Was Bob the mystery uncle?  Who can be more mysterious than a hungry raccoon with a stratospheric Intelligence up into the clouds!


As a man afraid of my own shadow of darkness while lying in my bed attacked by a spider that bites me on the face and I bleed.  I shout in fear and brush the spider off my face. I am bleeding.  It bit me.  My skin is pale and I am afraid to go outside.


I used to feel confidant going to work and I could do my job day after day, but now...I am on disability and a mere shadow of my old self.


My body has weakened to such an extent that I cannot even do one pushup from my knees.  I cannot even do one pushup off the wall.  I get winded walking down the hall.  A kind neighbor brings me my groceries and I am too afraid to leave the house.  I have less upper body strength than the average woman and I weep because I cannot focus enough to read a book.


Locked in my room I stare at the television set...I keep the remote on my bed.  A ninety year old woman has more strength than me and I am forty years old. 


Suddenly, a black Labrador retriever pulls me out of bed and looks at me and says, "Look, you have got to pull yourself together, mate.  As far as I know this may be the only life you have.  Not that I would know...because you know I am just a dog...but...look...would you take me for a walk?  Please?"


The dog panted looking up at me, but I was too out of shape to even walk down the hall even twice.  The dog insisted and I walked him down the hall once.  He thanked me and we repeated the same thing the next day.  This happened everyday except on Tuesdays, but I don't know why Tuesdays.  Eventually, the walks increased to around the block.  Then, later I worked up to a brisk one hour walks.


Then, one day the kind neighbor greeted me and told me that I looked much better and asked what had changed.  I started to explain about the dog but he was not around.  I had completely forgotten until then that the dog had me walk him I found that I had been walking on my own. Was this my brain playing a trick on me or was the dog real and trying to help me?  I never saw the dog again and he seemed so real when I saw him I felt a feeling of sadness.  I missed him yet I felt much stronger and felt energetic.  I saw other dogs but not him.


Eventually, I was able to go back to work.  I found a job as a gardener in a park.  The pay was just O.K. just enough to pay the bills and put some money in my IRA but nothing else.  I was nobody special to anybody but I could do twenty seven pushups for two sets and I actually had firm pectorals and the backs of my arms were taut but not bulky.  I could do my Pushups slowly and smoothly.  I enjoyed visiting the library on my days off but I never saw that dog again.  I still haven't figured out where he came from or was just a part of me?


Ah yes!  A motif of miscellany!  An army of red kidney beans will not be marching through the neighborhood. This was told to me by an ant that rebelled and escaped his former ant colony. 


Feed sweet gherkin pickles to me now!  Ohuuuu I am excited by sweet gherkin pickles!  Bring  me my pickles faster!  Don't stop!  I want more!  Oh oh oh oh oh g-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!  Hahhhhhhhhh.


A fly landed on the forehead of a Siamese cat.  The fly  just sat there and the cat looked at the fly cross eyed.  The Siamese cat got up and ran and the fly flew away. 


Ugerthol, where are my lanterns?  Can someone bring me my lanterns?  am I lost without my lanterns?  Is there no hope?  Must I live my entire life without my lanterns? 


Must I hear that cooing bird outside my window the rest of my life?  Must I be in this room for eternity?  What is missing?  Can something good happen?


Must I tape a sweet gherkin pickle to my forehead?  Must I be a forehead?  The wall is blank and my bowl is empty.  There is a room with nothing in it, not even dust.  No clothes in the closet and nothing on the floor.  No curtains or blinds on the windows.  The windows are bare and the sun shines through the windows. I have a naked mind but no one is visiting.


Plain like a bowl of plain yogurt with no flavor but the yogurt and it is like a bowl of plain white rice.  A banana is devoured.  I don't know where to go but I wish I could go somewhere that is good from my point of view.  Where is that?  Is the place empty?  Not even a squirrel or an insect is visible.


I didn't write it "it" wrote it.  Something else wrote these things.  I just type and whatever comes out comes out.  Like an enraged spider monkey flying out of a tree or perhaps an insane person obsessed with ice cream cones devouring as many ice creams as possible as fast as possible.


Oh bologna of the night speaks to me and I will sing about a blank wall while sitting on the floor while your smile floats in nothingness.  Is the universe floating in nothingness.  Yes no perhaps what?  All those things matter or perhaps they do not while you lick the wall made of candy with a hunger never felt before except from last Tuesday, yeah.


A charming pheasant walked up to me and made bird calls but I am not a bird.  I was dazzled by the bird walking circles around me and cooing. 


I was taking a stroll through a park when a squirrel ran up my back and then down my face and down my stomach and then he ran behind me through my legs. 


After that a beautiful girl splashed her cold soda in my face from her cup and yelled "You are not following the rules that is if you know the rules.  I never told you the rules but you were supposed to learn the rules a long time ago.  The rules are that there are different rules that apply to you and there are different rules for everybody else.  Also, you are not allowed to know all the rules, just the basic general rules of everything.


Other people don't exactly follow certain rules and the do fine but you are not allowed to know certain things.  So you will remain ignorant but nobody is going to tell you what's going on.  Now, I must leave.  Continue with your birds and squirells running over your face!  Hah, Goodbye!"


Then she walked away and got in her car and drove off before I could ask any questions.  I felt lost and confused outside of normal society.  (Whatever that is). 


Then fifty or so pheasants and approximately thirty seven peacocks surrounded me and a squirrel rode on top of my head while several cats were walking around meowing at me as if I had cat food to feed them. 


At the other end of the park a rock band was playing.  I never heard a band of that high quality in my neighborhood.  Then I tripped and fell in a mud puddle and children were laughing at me as the band played on.  A kindly elderly gentleman with a cane walked up to me and said "Are you all right young man?  There's a restroom over there you can clean up in." 


Then there was an earthquake and during the earthquake a herd of goats gathered around me and made a lot of noise.


Where are my doguments?  Why am I bargging?  I is ready to go to bed.  A frog jumped on my face and held my left eyelid open.  A medical doctor came up and shone a light in my eye and said "It appears you have an organic chocolate deficiency.  Would you like several pounds of organic chocolate?" 


I would like to paint the wall of the living room with peanut butter and become a professional photographer of  gophers.  I haven't studied gophers enough because I often go of on a tangent especially on Tuesdays but I have not been able to figure out why...hey you saw that humming bird fly by the window...I'm hungry I want a yogurt smoothie blended with frozen raspberries...did you recall the last time you visited you Aunt?  Oh Jesus or is it Yeshua...? Oh mother of God I'm confused...Let's go to the library.  Are you religious?  Oh not so much.  Yeah I sure would like to go to the beach...I mean when was the last time you saw flies buzzing around the window sill?  Suddenly, a fly buzzing from the outside of the living room window flew smack into the window and knocked him out.  A neighbor walked by and said to the general direction of the house "Eat your heart out, you mysterious house or uh... I don't know.  I just don't know what I'm talking about.  Do you? 


Confusion is evident in society when young girls mistake ice cream cones for bras and gophers drive swiftly through  the streets in motorized go carts being chased by domestic kitty cats.  Who then are chase by upset parents who are chased by pet Chiuauahs who are chased by animal control. In turn who are chased by retired Olympic distance runners wearing purple running shorts wile listening to tape recordings of their Aunts giving those  lectures about table manners?  To top it off with a club obsessed only with nasturtiums.  They will discuss only nasturtiums for hours on end and only nasturtiums.  I would call it nasturtium mania.  However, the vampires tried chewing on the nasturtiums and it turned out that they preferred Chinese food.  All these years the vampires could have just eaten Chinese food and they would not have had to bother  with all the other stuff.  Can you imagine?  Who would have thought that eating Chinese food was the solution?  If they had eaten Chinese food of any kind they would not have had to do their nightly rendezvous.  It was rumored that southern California is plagued by squirrel vampires.  If squirrel vampires are in your neighborhood, you would be wise to introduce them to Chinese food. 


Also, I want to splatter green paint all over the walls of my living room and wear a purple and blue robe and proclaim myself the king of temporary soy milk drinkers!  May zebras painted with nontoxic gold paint tempt you to dance in bright yellow  leotards while listening to old Stan Kenton albums?  I have always worried about a man named Helios Tenkling Pooder, yet I don't know anything about him but I'm scared.  Could this be the fear of the unknown?  What?  You are not my uncle?  What you are not my aunt? What is the cross between an uncle an an aunt?  An auntcle?  An Unct?


Yes, I am absolutely certain that I may be chased by giant flying tacos. This may happen to me as an individual, though I am certain that most people have not been chased by giant flying tacos.  Unless, someone through tacos at them.  I would prefer people not waste tacos and eat them.











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